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pic2024-08-18T13:02:51+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2024/08/13/note-to-self/2024-08-13T17:04:21+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2024/06/28/went-i-my-storage-this-morning-going-through-boxes-found-so-many-filled-journals-with-notes-thoughts-i-was-so-hopeful-so-excited-so-free-i-miss-her/2024-06-28T15:17:32+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2024/06/28/1489/2024-06-28T01:19:43+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2024/06/28/1488/2024-08-13T17:08:51+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/within-you/2024-01-02T02:34:35+00:00weekly0.6https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/12/03/1444/2023-12-03T06:25:15+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/06/17/are-you-the-main-character-or-just-selfish/2023-06-17T18:02:52+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/05/24/5-23/https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/changepathimage.jpegchangepathimagehttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/image-2.pngimage-2https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/picot.gifpicothttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/image-1.pngimage-1https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/image.pngimage2023-05-30T04:42:15+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/05/24/1395/2023-05-24T03:42:46+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/04/01/1393/2023-04-01T13:11:57+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/03/08/1383/https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/image-1.pngimage-1https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/image.pngimage2023-03-08T13:12:08+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/02/27/1379/2023-02-27T20:21:10+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/02/27/1373/2023-02-27T16:48:13+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/02/22/1309/2023-02-22T01:12:22+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/02/22/1307/2023-02-22T01:09:36+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/lates-posts-here/2023-02-08T22:33:08+00:00weekly0.6https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/01/12/1218/2023-01-22T11:39:21+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2022/12/19/1180/2023-01-22T11:37:57+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2022/12/22/1196/https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-8.pngminimalist-new-blog-post-82023-01-13T01:08:23+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/01/08/1214/2023-01-12T21:59:16+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/2023/01/06/1210/2023-01-08T17:01:52+00:00monthlyhttps://blackgirlknowmagic.com/limited-series/https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-9-1.pngDay 9.I owe myself an apology, forgiveness and a permission slip. I’m sorry for not listening to you, to your gut feeling. But I have to forgive you, so you can move on and become more than “potential.” Because if you don’t then that’s all you’ll ever be. Because if you don’t then guilt will hold you back and “what if” will pollute your thoughts. I owe you a permission slip to be unapologetic & audacious; to declare this season yours—to live a life worthy of. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-9.pngDay 9.I owe myself an apology, forgiveness and a permission slip. I’m sorry for not listening to you, to your gut feeling. But I have to forgive you, so you can move on and become more than “potential.” Because if you don’t then that’s all you’ll ever be. Because if you don’t then guilt will hold you back and “what if” will pollute your thoughts. I owe you a permission slip to be unapologetic & audacious; to declare this season yours—to live a life worthy of. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-6.pngDay 8.So that’s what happens when you hold your tongue and do the things you’re supposed to do, not want to do.That’s what happens when you don’t take time for yourself and figure out what you want. Checking boxes kept me right where I was. Trapped in those boxes. I remember a time when I told my coach to not start me… that another player deserved it. And at that moment, I genuinely believed it. It’s not that I want to see other people win that badly. It’s me worried about falling short of expectations, of my projected potential. Checking boxes means I’m doing the exact assignment I was asked to do. I think that is why I grew to appreciate school so much. I was told what to do and how to do it… then was praised for doing just that. The education field became my comfort zone… I’d receive constructive criticism and constant validation. So much so that I utilized the certainty and comfort of finding space in the education field, my hideout… a haven. Here I hid cozily, from my wildest dreams and imaginations. I’ve devoted so much of my life to this education field – first as a student, now as a teacher—that I’ve developed a resentment for it, sucking the exhilaration and imagination out of me. It’s not even education’s fault. It’s my own, for playing small. Fearing my own greatness. “Self-sabotage is not a way we hurt ourselves; it’s a way we try to protect ourselves.” -Brianna Wiest All this time I’ve been holding myself back so I wouldn’t fail, I wouldn’t let anyone down. Only to realize, I’ve disappointed myself. So, what if we break them? The boxes. The molds that confine us. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-5-1.pngDay 7.I remember in undergrad my mom told me to get my degree then I could pursue the career I wanted. Achieving the actual degree was the easy part. I didn’t think that far ahead, I didn’t know the importance of networking nor the reality of entry level positions requiring 3-5 years of experience. I never had a plan. Always been overwhelmed with all the possibilities life had to offer, and didn’t really mind where I ended up, as long as I was happy. I’m unlearning that idea of asking “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I think kids who were asked that, grew up thinking that was it. Out of everything you could be, all you could be was one of those things. This era laughs at the thought of that. Imagine one stream of income being enough. Or one career and a hobby or two fulfilling your purpose. I think that’s what I’ve been experiencing; that feeling of unfulfillment. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-5.pngDay 7.I remember in undergrad my mom told me to get my degree then I could pursue the career I wanted. Achieving the actual degree was the easy part. I didn’t think that far ahead, I didn’t know the importance of networking nor the reality of entry level positions requiring 3-5 years of experience. I never had a plan. Always been overwhelmed with all the possibilities life had to offer, and didn’t really mind where I ended up, as long as I was happy. I’m unlearning that idea of asking “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I think kids who were asked that, grew up thinking that was it. Out of everything you could be, all you could be was one of those things. This era laughs at the thought of that. Imagine one stream of income being enough. Or one career and a hobby or two fulfilling your purpose. I think that’s what I’ve been experiencing; that feeling of unfulfillment. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. I feel so unsettled because I’m meant for more. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-4.pngDay 6.There are so many constructs of who we’re supposed to be that who we’ve become ends up not being who we are at all. Being someone who hides so much of themself from the rest of the world has made me into this empathetic being I am today. I know what it’s like to put on a happy face after a morning of tears, to go out and perform for the rest of the world.. not because you want to but it’s your best decision. I wonder if my school teachers cried in between classes and brought their makeup with them everyday to cover tear stains, and wore glasses to cover their glazed and reddened eyes. I’ve been here before, crying in a public space, navigating through a crowd of strangers with my head down so no one can see my swollen face with tears streaming down them. I’m so quick to preach about normalizing and validating feelings and tears; yet, I’m still afraid. Afraid to open up, to cry in public, to share. Are strong Black women allowed to do that? It’s heavy and crippling, to let fear hold you back; all it does is keep you in the past. Physically no; but fear comes with a lens, where all you can see is the worst possible things happening. I once heard the dangers of making decisions out of fear, how it only empowers those same fears, how if you’re not careful, you’ll become a servant to them. I wish it was as easy as it sounds… Now having this mindset, hindsight is 20-20; I see the remnants of my fears and how they came into fruition. I see the spaces in my life where I've become a servant to my fears. If you believe in it, your faith will outshine fear’s shadows. I think living in this world of instances: Instant gratification, instant messages, instant shipping… we can’t let this age of information dim faith’s light, it’s when we need it the most, when we need ourselves the most. “…You were chosen. Now, go; wash your face, get a new attitude, put on your clothes and be what you were called to be.” https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-3.pngDay 5.There was a time when I was afraid to talk about the things that mattered to me, I was afraid to share with the world things I cared about. That was how much more I cared about what people thought of me. There was a time when I was afraid to talk about the things I wanted in life, out of life. That way… If I didn’t get those things, no one would know I lost. When I turned 25, I promised myself that within the next 365 days I would do something drastic, note-worthy, something I’d be proud of. Year 25 was the year my world expanded, the year where the thoughts I ignored and silenced about there being more to life than a 9-5 were crying out loud, demanding a seat at the table. Here they negotiated with my fears, doubts, anxieties. Here they finally felt heard, they were validated when I found a beautiful man and a community of like-minded people who celebrated the very thought and yearning of liberation. I think the whole 20-20, pandemic time off of work thing made finding this community even easier, it forced me to be selective with who I allowed in my space and with what I was consuming. I learned to embrace change, and accept that it’s okay for life to turn out differently than I imagined. I can confidently say that each closed door in my life led to an entry way of another. In the past 3-4 years for every friend I’ve disconnected with, I’ve built stronger relationships with another. I’ve learned how to set boundaries and decided what my non-negotiables were. It is within these spaces I’ve discovered the most inner-peace and confidence. I miss the 20-20 me. The world is going to end so fuck it, me. She was doing yoga, editing and writing books and blog posts. She was filtering, unlearning, learning, and educating– simultaneously. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-2-1.pngDay 4.“There are so many things in the world that are your obstacle, you’re your first.” I’ve been trying to figure out the woman I want to be, I want to make mistakes and learn from them. I want to grow...closer to God. So close that I don’t have to reach out because I can feel him inside of me. I’ve battled with who I want to be. I’ve tried things-many made me feel like I was falling short of who I was as a person. That was when my list grew smaller. I say I grew because in eliminating who I am not, I have grown more into who I am. I want to internalize peace, so deeply rooted that catching every red light, the wrong coffee order, nor my greatest enemy can unearth. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/minimalist-new-blog-post-1-1.pngDay 3.I’m supposed to be listening to Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnigie, or Og Mandino or something, but this afternoon, I just want to be alone with Carrie. I just want to daydream about a life of overpriced shoes, limitless cocktails falling in love and writing my heart out day and night. I press play to escape the reality I created, Imagine that. “Life is a sum of all your choices.” -Albert Camus What we experience makes up who we are, how we think, and what we believe. If we are a sum of our choices, an accumulation of our experiences, then we really do have everything we need within us. Maybe we should consider that it is our perspective that needs shifting. Waiting for that perfect moment is self-sabotage. I’ve stopped believing in my ability to make a moment perfect. Planned perfection is a fallacy, it’s something so estranged from reality. I’ve realized that we don’t get mad at perfection for not happening, we get mad at our own realities. We begin to feel sorry for ourselves, for our situations— when we were the ones who drew up the intangible fantasy world in the first place. So, hear me out, we live in every moment, we keep our standards high. Expect and accept life’s imperfections. Let’s be honest, anything that comes off as perfect is classified, “Too good to be true” anyways. I’ve been working to unlearn the need for “perfection.” It’s starting to feel less like a reason and more like an excuse or a cop-out. You’re going to have bad days right? You’re going to remember the past better than it was… right? I’ve thought about this a lot lately. The way I’ve used perfectionism as an excuse. Whether it is delaying a project or holding my tongue until it sounds just right. Life is full of 1st, 2nd, 3rd drafts; the first step is application. I regretted pouring this wine almost immediately. I’ve always wanted to be the woman to stay up drinking wine. The glamor. No one told me it only lasted the first 30-45 minutes post-pour. Pressing deeper into my couch to get comfortable, I scan the room for my remote. My eyes stop at my bookshelf and I contemplate spending the evening reading one of the several books I’ve picked up on an impromptu Barnes & Noble shopping spree. Maybe even go through Jeff Olson’s, The Slight Edge again. I didn’t realize it until right now, I don’t have too many fictional books. Lots on life, the lives of others and historical studies/observations. I don’t know exactly what this says..lack of application, perhaps? I think I do a lot of reading on how to live, how people live(d), but not enough of just going out and doing it. And maybe that’s why I struggle so much to write a book; doing the same things everyday… not exactly riveting nor inspiring. So my first book will be about my life, I will write what I know. My first book will be about the beginning and the end of this life I’ve chosen to live. I don’t want my book to end where the main character lives happily ever after. I’m not saying I want a tragedy, but I don’t want it to be easy. https://blackgirlknowmagic.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/day2-1-1.pngDay 2.“Tell me something good about your day,” I thought about last night’s phone conversation with Andre. “I felt useful today, like I made a difference.” “Saving lives.” He said with a smile I couldn't see it, but felt. “You know that letter of recommendation I wrote? That same student was writing an essay and feared that he was speaking too highly of himself. I told him there’s no such thing.” “Right.” “And then he re-wrote his entire essay, and asked me to read it again.” “There we go.” “Right? I wish I could take my own advice sometimes…” “Sweetie, the thing is, you can. Once I started telling myself I was a reader, I became one. Same thing goes for writing. There’s no reason you can’t do the same.” “Yeah… I need to work on that too.” I admitted. “What’s that?” “My self-talk.” “Hmmm you should read What to Say When you Talk to Yourself.” He was always good at that. Finding solutions. So much so that I feel bad for sharing my teacher woes throughout the day. I try not to. I hear myself sometimes, the negativity. I feel it too… how much I’ve changed since becoming a teacher. Maybe that’s what happens when you work so hard to fit into a box you don’t want to be in, in the first place. It feels unnatural. It seemed easier at first. Doing what you thought you could do, rather than fighting for what you want. Now I’m fighting to just get out of bed in the morning. I like to think I’m a caterpillar so maybe I’m in a cocoon, not a burrito. This season I’m in, where I look unfamiliar to me, when I don’t feel like myself… maybe I’m on the verge of the very transformation I prayed for. Rebirth also means death. The passing away of your old life. Ego death. Letting go of everything that once held you back from being the hero in your own story, from coming out on top, from living your wildest dreams. We learn this at an early age but what we don’t study is the power of application. Applying lessons to our own experiences. I think about the transformation caterpillars go through to become butterflies—metamorphism. This transition into a butterfly consists of its total decomposition within the cocoon where it then pieces itself together to begin, again. I think it’s only in retrospect when we can define the stages in our life. Or maybe that’s just me. Because I can’t seem to put a finger on what to title the chapter of this year. 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