I don’t remember where I heard it, a podcast or in Gabrielle Union’s book… but it was said that you generally are worried about other people’s judgement of you is because you’re used to judging them. So, I’ve been asking myself… how true is this? Am I judgmental? I’ve always been hyper-aware of how others perceive me, but more than anything I think it’s because I’ve always stuck. Whether it was my height or chestnut-toned skin – in contrast to the pale or tan skin tones of my white friends—I was seen. Presumably, hardly ever in the way I wanted. When you spend your life worried about what others think, you end up holding yourself back. Carrying yourself differently. You develop this habit of being hyper-critical of everything you produce. So much that you cultivate this desire to control everything in your space, everything you possibly can. You’ll soon find out that, that’s not how life works. No, that reality won’t calm your urge to have a hand in everything within your reach; if anything, it will activate anxieties of discomfort.
I like things to be just where I left them. Even if it’s technically out of place. If something remains where I left it, then I’ll know exactly where it is. Just the same way if my hair is slicked back with pound of gel. When I get home at the end of the day, It looks exactly how it was when I left this morning.
I like things in place. How I left them. Almost as if time has frozen them when I walk away. Just like the book I’m reading, the show I’m binging. There’s something about change that I’d rather not be a part of. There’s something about change, that makes me uncomfortable. I take that back, there’s something about unplanned, un-calculated change.
This is my first year out of higher education, without any deadline in mind. And it’s unsettling. I used to call myself a professional student. Nine years consecutive years of higher education will do that to you. what I’ve realized is, maybe I was so attracted to the lifestyle as a student was the consistent due dates, clear instructions, and constant affirmation that I was doing something right. Because here I am now… headless chicken.
I like control because… I guess not knowing the outcome unearths a discomfort I try to avoid.
I’m still sitting on Elizabeth Gilbert’s invitation of fear. How she thinks to be fearless is actually partially chaotic. That fear is a good thing. I guess fear really does keep you going. Fear of losing a job, keeps you performing well. Fear of staying the same, makes you switch it up.